Helen A. S. Popkin

Is a nitwit. Not just any old random nitwit, she’s like Queen of the land known as Lazy Reporter Nitwitzerland. I’d give her a crown, but she’d probably try to wear it as a shoe. That’s how incredibly dumb, stupid, lazy and pointless her paid (!) post on MSNBC’s site are. I’ve read more intriguing and better researched posts on bathroom walls. In jr. high.

Why such venom? Ha! I’m being nice. I’m trying not to use terms like fucking stunted cum bubble, or hagalicious ass zit to describe Ms. Popkin. Let’s put it like this: If Popkin never typed another thing online, even to Cooks.com, that time could not come soon enough. See, Popkin is the person who assaults our intelligence via MSNBCs totally clueless Netiquette articles. I’d see these articles, usually ignoring them. Sometimes, I’d read them and immediately mourned the 4 seconds I’d never get back. Just like with Pants Off, Dance Off, I felt dumber reading them. Any series where your readers constantly rate as 2 – 2.5 stars isn’t a good series. Then again, MSNBC airs trustafarian corporate welfare queen Tucker Carlson and it seems more people would rather eat raw sewer rat than watch him (I don’t have any hard numbers on that, just a hunch. Call me Chertoff).

Back to Monkey Banging on a Keyboard Popkin. It seems that Popkin’s talents lay in the ability to cut and paste, making desparately lame Wonkette-like “observances” and posting them. For this, she gets paid. Oh sure, just like American Idol, 50 Cent and Quiznos, I’m sure there are brain-dead people with no taste who think that Popkin is just oh-so-witty and “cutting edge”. For those of with brains, reading comprehension and an appreciation for facts instead of gush, Popkin’s article come off a little less coherent than a drunken text message.

Popkin’s, if we’re to believe her hype, is right on the cusp of all things internet-y. Despite, the title of the series being called Netiquette, Popkin’s doesn’t offer helpful tips on how to deal with that asshole who constantly sends you crap they read online (thank gawd, my friends only send me internet hoaxes instead of Popkin’s drivel) or how to deal with the embarrasing ‘reply all’ situation most of us have gotten ourselves into. Instead, Popkins informs us that only old people are on MySpace and, most recently, that bunnies are what’s hip in animals online. She actually has this in the article:

But while prancing pocket pets and Photoshopped felines get all the press, Wikipedia and the rest of the InterWeb know-it-alls fail to recognize bunnies as a monolithic meme — possibly more powerful than Google or iPhone in their influence, and definitely cuter. Just check out this YouTube video of a bunny fighting a snake. (It’s okay, the bunny wins!)

Bunnies. Monolithic meme. Right. And if you didn’t know, that doesn’t mean you’re a not total bunny geek, it means that you’re an “InterWeb” loser, like those people still on MySpace. OMG! And like this, she’s usually off the mark. Check her article on Twitter. It seems to be written between coffee and vodka binges. Based on what seems like two people she may or may not know personally, Twitter for Gen Y. Hmmm. Everyone I know who uses Twitter religiously is over 43. I guess they gave up their MySpace pages. Who knows? I do know that, somehow despite doing next zero research (if reading that mind-numbingly insipid article is any indication) that it’s all The Parents fault. Or Paris Hilton. I don’t get what Popkins was trying to say in those last 3 paragraphs. Maybe she gets paid by the word.