Speaking of crazy white bitches

Okay…I know I shouldn’t post that headline, but 1) it does make me laugh and 2) when you read what’s below you’ll even say, “What’s with these crazy white bitches?”, even if you’re a crazy white bitch yourself.

Can you say overboard? Ha!

Last night, I was reading Me, Myself and Eye and I saw a post titled The Blair Witch Mother. I kinda glanced at it, but had planned on ignoring it when I realized it was about Lisa Whelchel of The Facts of Life. Most of you may know that Ms. Whelchel is born again and has spent the last decade or so touring the country testifying. I don’t knock her for that, I still don’t get the born again thing (I’ve never heard of that in my black Baptist and Methodist churches) and it just sounds like she got some Christ-fever going on. Can’t fault her for that.

On one of my birth club boards, there’s a lady who seriously scares the bejesus out of me. This is a person who uses crazy-ass James Dobson‘s books as parenting guides. (For those who are lucky enough not to know about this crazy mofo one of his tips to raise tough boys: “He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.” In my world, we call that “child abuse”. And this a nutjob who dares slurs gays with the pedophile tag. Fucker.) When she tells us how she disciplines her kids, I want to call Child Protective Services so bad it’s not even funny. I’ve had to stop visiting the site because sooner or later…okay, sooner I was going to tell this crazy white bitch off.

So, when I saw Sister Toldja’s post on Whelchel, the part that caught my eye was:

“Having a struggle at bedtime? Try this: Next time you’re dealing with the usual bathroom trips, cups of water, giggling, and talking, call off bedtime. Declare, ‘Nobody has to go to bed tonight!’ Inform them that they may stay up as long as they like—the operative words being stay up. Then have each child stand still in the middle of a separate room of the house.”

Say what? I had to scroll back up. What is this? A joke right? It has to be a joke. Turns out Whelchel has written a book on parenting titled Creative Correction and in there she give tips on how to discipline your kids and raise them to be good little foot soldiers in God’s Army.

World o’ Crap shares a post with us:

In addition, Whelchel offers the following: “For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I ‘spank’ my kids’ tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child’s tongue. It stings for a while, but it abates. (It’s the memory that lingers!)”

Well cut my legs and call me shorty!  That’s fucked up.  I mean beyond fucked up.  In saner parts of our world, that’s called ‘torture’.  I do everything possible not to have to spank my children and there is no way I’m going to “spank their tongues” with hot sauce.

A book reviewer mentions several disturbing “tips” in the books, one that Sister Toldja mentioned in her post”

Whelchel advises readers to give their children ridiculous commands in public which they must instantly obey without asking any questions, while refusing them permission when they make requests which Whelchel herself admits are perfectly legitimate. She writes: ‘As we walk along together shopping, I will suddenly give them silly commands that they must obey without arguing, such as ‘Walk backward,’ or ‘Stop and touch your toes,’ or ‘Give me a kiss.’ Occasionally I’ll throw in a real command, like ‘Don’t touch that,’ or ‘No, you may not have an Icee.’ My favorite curve, however, is to say no to some reasonable request, like ‘May I go to the bathroom?” (p. 138)

THUD.

Her “favorite curve” is to deny letting her children take care of a body function?  What the hell is that?  How much does she hate kids?  I mean, I don’t particularly like children, but damn, if my kids need to pee, I’ll let them pee.  My daughter does this thing when we go out, we sit down at the table, order our food and no matter how long it takes to get our food or if she has just gone to the bathroom, guaranteed the moment the food is set down, my kid needs to pee.  Sometimes I’ll make her wait a minute or two to make sure everything is settled, but I could never tell her ‘no’.  Hmmm, maybe if I “spank her tongue” she’ll stop asking…something to think about.

The thing that kills me is that if you go to Whelchel’s site, the suggestions are logical and normal-like:

Forgetting to feed a pet? Try putting her lunch money or lunch bag in a box next to the pet’s cage. That way, your youngster won’t get to eat unless his pet eats first.

Sloppy schoolwork? Buy a printing or cursive workbook from your local teachers supply store. Then ask your child, “What takes longer: a report done neatly in 15 minutes or one you’ve sped through in 10 that must be redone and warrants a page of handwriting practice?”

Toddler independence? If your little one balks at holding your hand while in a parking lot or crossing the street, give him a choice. Remind him, “I can either hold your hand or hold your hair.” Independence isn’t quite so appealing on those terms.

Okay, these aren’t exactly good, but you have to admit they’re more normal than the hot sauce thing.  Over at Amazon, one reviewer posted more Whelchel’s child abuse ideas:

Lisa recommends:
–blindfolding children for an hour if they roll their eyes
–handcuffing quarreling siblings together
–putting quarreling siblings outside, whether it’s 30 degrees or 100 degrees
–making a child wear boxing gloves all day long for hitting; they are not to be removed for eating; as if this isn’t enough torture, she recommends videotaping the child trying to eat popcorn with the boxing gloves. This might be appropriate in the context of a family game night, but not in the context of humiliation and punishment.
–burning a few of the child’s toys if a child is caught playing with matches (what about putting the matches out of reach or doing some standard fire-safety education?)
–pinching a child’s tongue with a clothespin for disrespect
–pouring hot sauce on a child’s tongue
–saying “no to reasonable requests such as ‘may I go to the bathroom'” in the name of keeping children on their toes in terms of obedience
–restraining a one year old in a car seat if the child won’t stay in time out (time out is not appropriate for one year olds to begin with, and, with any child, if time out is not “working,” change your strategy– don’t restrain them!)
–making children stand in the center of the room for a long period of time if they are resisting bedtime (“make it tough” she says)
–making a child close the door quietly, like 100 times, for slamming a door

Those are only a few examples. Lisa also takes Scriptures from Proverbs and turns them into physical punishments. It’s almost as if she flipped through Proverbs looking for Scriptures she could use as physical punishments. And we wonder why an estimated 80% of Christian kids are leaving the faith in college? There is a connection there.

When I was a kid I got spanked.  A lot. My mother’s idea of fun was waking us up at 4am on a Saturday morning and making us clean the house top to bottom because company was coming.  Then around 3pm, she’d joke that she make it up to get it us to clean.   Two weeks after I moved out of the house (first time I got kicked out), my mother called my dorm room at 4:30am asking me where one of her fugly scarves were.  Then she said, “I’ll come by to get you so you can look for it.”  You know my ass stayed in bed.  Fuck that.

My mother has devoted her adult life to acting a fool and being a straight up crazy high yellow bitch.  I do not talk to her at all.   A few months after I had my daughter, I picked up some stuff from my mother’s place.  She said, “Oh, grandmother told me you had a kid. You should all come by so I can see her.”  Like that was going to happen.  I nodded and sped a way.  I didn’t see or hear from her for another two years and that was at my grandmother’s funeral.  She managed to ignore both my husband sitting next to me and my daughter on my lap to tell me some stupid bullshit story…I ain’t never getting those 2 minutes back.

I am 35 years old and I haven’t willingly spoken to my mother for 13 years.  My sister didn’t speak to her for a long time, until her current husband practically forced her to.  My brother doesn’t willingly speak to my mother either.  This is the road that Whelchel is travelling.  She’ll be like my mother a lonely, bitter woman with not even her kids willing to speak to her just because her glee in torturing defenseless children outweighed their need for a burden-free childhood.

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24 thoughts on “Speaking of crazy white bitches

  1. So all this time,all I had to do to get Carter and Crazy Cami to behave is blindfold, tongue spank and refuse to let them go to the bathroom,I am such a sucker as these “options” never occurred to me,guess I won’t be qualifying as a Crazy White Bitch this go round,of course,the dream is not totally lost,as I may still qualify in another arena. I have to say that even her less crazy tips are questionable at least and they aren’t practical. For example,my 1 year old is a nut,she runs from us and acts a fool(but in her defense she is cute,sweet and has the best nature)in fact,I’m pretty sure she gave me the finger the other day but I digress,Cami has a problem,Cami is bald,oh sure I can gather up a few wisps and stick a small bow in her hair if I’m so inclined but there is just no way I’m going to be able to grab enough strands to march her through a store or parking lot by,so now what Lisa Whelchel? I can’t wait to read her children’s memoirs in a few years,she should be put to work kelping the current administration handle that whole war on terror thing,what a nut. I must know which play group has the Dobson lover,anyone who follows Dobson or the Ezzos should probably be investigated by their local child protection authority.

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  2. Yesterday, there was this Special Victims Unit marathon on one of the networks. Several of the SVUs shown yesterday were some how domination or sadism related. Now, why is it several of these tactics Lisa’s suggested are ones noted for serial sadists on SVU. I mean, it’s like they lifted some of those right out of her book! It’s totally freaking me out.

    As for family…right there with you, but it’s not my parents, it’s my brother. He and his wife are wingnuts and being around them when they are with the kids makes me cringe and hover over the speed dial to children services, itching for the moment they cross the line. We grew up in the same house, so why’d he go down this road? PS, he’s an athiestic wingnut (yep, they do exist)

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  3. Kelli, we’ll get you into CWBhood somehow. LOL! I’m going to see if my local library has the book, maybe we’ll find something you can do to your kids that will qualify you.

    One thing I left out of there is the fact that one of her kids is ADHD, so that just kinda makes it all the more even screwed up. Then to add insult to injury she quotes Scriptures at them as to why she’s being a CWB. Gah…that’s one thing I left out that my mother used to do. She’s the Queen CBB.

    That mom is on another April board. I have to hand it to the other moms, they were very diplomatic when she’d start in how she “disciplines” her kids. One time, she was talking about how she had to punish little Brian because when he was eating he one of his toes when off his square (the kids have to stand on a plastic square when eating snacks). The punishment? He had to stand on the square for 30 minutes, then she spanked him, quoted some Scripture at him, them put in his room with the lights out for another 30 minutes. I’m sorry, but that’s overkill. The rest of were saying, “Gosh, I’m happy when they only spill half a cup of apple juice.” Now, can you imagine Carter standing still for 30 minutes anywhere? I know Ilia would die after 3 minutes. 30 minutes is completely unreasonable, but to add 2 more punishements because a toe when over the line? Damn.

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  4. Carter is more likely to spontaneously combust than stand on a square,or a tile or on his head for 30 minutes,good lord. What a great day it would be in my house if the biggest tragedy is one small snack was spilled.That lady needs to deal with her anxiety issues,Xanax would improve her life (and her child’s)greatly,lol. Reminds me of a nut er ah,I mean woman on My Jan 07 who aside from espousing some wacky and dangerous views(she would not,for example,divorce her husband even if he was abusive because the bible doesn’t support divorce in that situation) also enjoys quoting scripture,sharing informative news from Fox,helping the public understand why Jesus would frown on children being adopted by gay couples, and throwing out my favorite tidbit “some people think Barack Obama could be the anti-christ,there’s even a website” (I replied that there were also websites indicating GWB might be the ant-christ which tells me there’s some confusion where the whole anti-christ issue was concerned alas,she did not have a response to that) ,also shared ,after someone posted a messy spaghetti face baby pic,that she could never let her little girl eat spaghetti and have a picture like that because she feeds her daughter and wipes her mouth off after every bite as she can’t stand to see the mess….ok then…

    =====================

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  5. oh holy balls! First of all, I will link back to this, but I have GOT to post about this on my side since about 75% of the readers are my August96 moms and they will crack right the hell up over this.

    In the early years of that birth list group, there was a participant who was a Dobson follower. This we did not sniff out until the kids were a little over a year old. Naturally since this list was created with simply a birth month in common, there are varying religions, non-religions child rearing and political views blended in. However, she stuck out like a sore thumb due to her extremist child-rearing views and eventually she left the group (thank gawd!)

    But Lisa Whelchel? Who I used to LOVE? Oh hells bells. Woman is totally a CWB.

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  6. Pingback: Fallen idols « Trees and flowers and birds!

  7. Damn these birth club boards! I think we can all relate to figuring out that one woman who seemed kind of off during our pregnancies really showed her ass once the kid was born. On my original birth club board, there was a woman who was telling us how they spanked their 4 mos. old because he had cried in a restaurant. I was hot! I was really to roll on down to Oklahoma to break my foot off in someone’s ass. A 4 mos. old?

    BG: You’re scaring me. I didn’t even think of the sadism in that. That’s just downright crazy. Hey, if Whelchel’s man gets off on getting his tongue spanked or being forced to close a door 100 times then fine, but don’t make the kids do that and pretend it’s parenting.

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  8. I’m an awful librarian. I took those sh*t Dobson books out of my library the day after I took over. Seriously. I refuse to allow them to be on my branch shelves.
    And Welchel has got to be stone cold crazy. Who does that sort of crap to little kids?

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  9. LOL….thanks Dawn.

    Hey Shayera, you must have a good library then. Since my library only has about 200 English language books, it should be easy to run down if this book exist there. Oooh, maybe I’ll go to Central and see if they have it. I have to read it for myself.

    On an “Ain’t I a Great Mom” front, my daughter was acting a fool and I managed not put clothespins or hot sauce on her tongue. Score 1 for me!

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  10. You didn’t even grab her by her hair…wow what restraint. I have the urge to go to one of the parenting boards and ask if anyone has read or heard of this gem Ms.Whelchel has written.I think it’s important to out the Mommy Dearests from time to time. I must obtain a copy of this masterpiece but that’s a conundrum. In the event that my local library has this book,do I want a record of it having been checked out to me,on the other hand,heading down to the local bookstore and buying a copy benefits the author and helps perpetuate the crazy maybe I’ll head down to Half Price Books and split the difference. Will you host a book club style discussion of the book once we read it,lol?

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  11. Small blog world – I’ve seen Dawn commenting on one of my August mom’s blog!

    I like Kelli’s idea – host a book club discussion of it!! After our heads stop spinning and we are back to being able to hold down solid foods, that might make for some hilarious entertainment!

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  12. Does anyone know where Lisa Whelchel lives(I know at some point she and the family lived in a tour bus traveling the country spreading the gospel) .I ask because I live in Dallas,generally speaking a fairly conservative friendly place but I have never seen anyone march his or her child across a parking lot by the hair,nor do I think the public (in general) would stand back and watch it go on without comment. I would love to happen upon her “parenting” in public …

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  13. Kelli, I know she was raised in Forth Worth, isn’t she still in TX?

    Ah…a book club. That means 3 books. Kelli, my thinking is if the conservatives have their way with the library rentals then we could be put on a Good People list by checking this crap out. Our only other way to obtain the book (besides buying it) is finding some freebies. You know how the GOP authors and FoF people pump up their book sales by printing up a bunch and then giving them away? We just need to find one of those things.

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  14. You could always put a hold and get it sent over for you.
    Shockingly enough, I do have a copy of it on the branch shelves. But someone donated it, no money was spent on the purchase. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be pulled soon.

    You are a great Mom. And I say that as an actual observer of your parenting.

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  15. Thanks Shayera. You know whenever I get a book put on hold it takes “tooever” (that’s Ilia’s word) to get to me. Is there some way I don’t have to wait 4 – 8 weeks for a book.

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  16. You know you are right about library,I check out that book,maybe a Rush Limbaugh or Barbara Bush memoir and I’m off the naughty list in no time. As for Blair Warner,nice try trying to pass her off as one of my neighbors,she and her family live in So.Cal. If you are bored and want to work out your gag reflex she has a lovely website (fascinating stuff,her husband,for example has come up with a brilliant way to classify each of there children based on crayons…) and drum roll please ,she has her own book club. Maybe we could join!

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  17. I’ve been checking out her website, it seems a bit heavy on the Look At Me and hardly any really “ministry” going on. As for the book club, do you really want to go down that road? Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible? You know that then we’ll be forced to read the rest of the series, Bad Girls of the Bible and Really Bad Girls of the Bible and Curtis Higgs will probably title her next book in the series God’s Super Hos: The Whoring Worthless Bitches of the Bible. I guess I’ll call it The Bleeping Heifer’s series.

    Geez…looking at Curtis Higgs writings, there were no good women in the Bible. Vastly different from my feminist teachings of women of the Bible, Torah and Qur’an at the mosque. Gosh, at the mosque I was taught about all these strong and marvelous women who used their heads and aided these prophets and men of God.

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  18. After we learn about all the women of loose morals throughout the bible,and how we must repent for their sins,I bet we will get to learn how to submit to our husbands and that,my friend,is where the real fun starts.

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  19. Ha – I thought this post was going to be about Clinton when I read the title. Wow. I proudly consider myself to be a ‘crazy white bitch’ of sorts… but i’m not THAT kind of crazy.

    Seriously disturbing.

    “I ain’t never getting those 2 minutes back” – That? Was funny.

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  20. I love the term Jesus fever! lol- I usually call em zealots but I like Jesus fever better.

    She is a freak! I knew about the hot sauce on the tongue but I’m sorry-crazy commands and denying normal requests are going to give her kids such a sense of helplessness and doormat syndrome. It’ll be interesting and perhaps sad to see how her kids turn out.

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