The Toilet Paper Chronicles

Ed. note–This may be TMI, but you either click a link off the page or shut your yap and read. ;P

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I’m particular about the paper products that come in contact with my lower person. If I weren’t, then sandpaper or leaves would be fine by me. We go through forests of toilet paper a month in this household. I’m positive there are a team of economists and industrialists observing our buying habits and charting just where would the ideal faboo forest be for our TP usage.

My husband’s a guy. This mean that as long as there’s something on the roll, he’s cool. You’d think after 8 years of marriage it wouldn’t be that hard to buy the correct kind of toilet paper. I mean, if this guy can be particular about the maker of cables for his stereo equipment, why not about the made-in-a-factory-in-who-knows-where products that touch his ass? Or am I asking too much? I’m sure there are women out there who’d sigh, “What are you going to do? Their brains aren’t wired for that.” I’m sorry, but 8 years of Cottonelle with the blue stripe should tip one off. I mean, if I can get yelled at for buying Epson paper after using it for 5+ years before we switched to Canon paper, he shouldn’t get any leeway here. Especially considering that we still by Epson paper in the A3 size. Geez! See, and I’m not even going to mention the barbaric way he hangs the roll, those few times he deigns to actually do so. One sheet leaving motherfucker…

We ran out of toilet paper (for the 2nd time this month!) yesterday. In a frantic pinch, my husband opted for the baby wipes. I don’t know if you’ve ever decided to do that. If you haven’t, I’ve got one word of wisdom: Don’t. For the love of all that is good and spradoingle in this world, don’t ever use baby wipes. Even the non-scented kind. That is, unless you love the warm, burning sensation of your cooter on fire. I speak from experience here. Nothing has ever hurt me that bad in that region and that includes squeezing out my two bigheaded freaks. So, the next option was our cheap-ass napkins.

Around 4pm, my husband decided to go buy toilet paper. Thankfully, he took the kids. They got back around 8pm. 4 hours of not having TP is a big deal. I go probably about 3 – 5 times an hour. Back when I was 16, I resigned myself to living the last half of my life (probably when I turn 42 or so) to wearing adult diapers. I just hope that by the time I need them they’ll have cool designs like my kids’ diapers. No, I don’t want cars or Dora on them, but cute sayings like, “Pull tab to enter” and a leering smiley would be nice. Sexy.

So, they got home and praise be, toilet paper once again adorned that spindle.

Then I used it.

I should have stuck with the cheap ass napkins! What the hell? Oh. He bought Charmin. Bleeech. Not just Charmin, but something that has me utterly intrigued. He bought Charmin Basic.

Savor that for a minute…

Charmin.

Basic.

That kind of leads one to wonder if there is a Charmin Advance. Or something in between? Is Basic for people just getting the hang of using TP?

By deductive reasoning and a lot of holey toilet paper, I’ve decided “Basic” means, “We at Charmin don’t give a rat’s ass about your ass. You’re lucky we put it on a roll. Wipe up!”

I’m eying those baby wipes now…I’m thinking the burn could put hair on my chest. Or at least clear my sinuses.

Environmentally Friendly Toys

In the past week, I’ve been hit up by several people for wish lists for my kids. Nothing has changed since they were born, the list is simple: Educational (non-electronic) toys as long as they’re not tied to a trademarked character or gift cards to places I get them clothes (Gap, Gymboree, Target, etc). Every year, those wishes are ignored and I’m faced with returning or tossing toys manufactured in China or Mexico (great sources of lead which has finally been sensationalized publicized this year), toys with Dora or Spiderman and gadgets that make too much noise. This year, I’ve decided to educate and assist friends and family with giving them links to stores and/or products that are educational, low-tech and evironmentally sound.

My first link given is always to Co-op America’s Green Toy idea list. The list has 10 gifts that ideal for small children. They’re pretty basic toys, but with big box toy stores, it’s easy to lose sight, when faced with wall to wall plastic, seeing kids of the same age screeching for certain items. Co-op America also has some tips on shopping green:

1. Buy Green and Fair Trade Toys. Search the National Green Pages™.

2. Find the Best Toys for Your Tots. By being mindful about the toys you choose, you’ll save money, keep toxins out of the playroom, and help workers around the world. Read more.

3. Buy Used Toys and Games. Check out your local consignment shop for gently used toys and games. As with any toy purchase, make sure to look for age appropriate items that do not pose choking hazards or other possible injuries.

4. Encourage Children to Play Outdoors and Use Their Imaginations. Research from the Kaiser Family Foundation found that children ages 8-18 spend a little over 6 hours per day using electronic media including TV, music, computers, and video games. Work to ensure that your children spend time reading, playing outdoors, drawing, painting, making music, or engaging in some other form of self expression.

5. Educate Yourself and Others About Toys and Violence. The Lion and the Lamb Project works to stop the marketing of violence to children. Check out their web site for a list of toys to avoid.

All of that is a no-brainer for me, which is why I am so particular about what comes into my house. If the purpose of the toy is vanity, enforcing a trademarked character’s brand, or just simply making noise, it goes into the trash. Packaging is also a big thing for me. Some of the toys are so overpackaged nowadays that it’s a workout just to get them out of all that cardboard, plastic and those evil, indestructible twist ties. Most green toys, if they’re packaged at all are in simply recycled cardboard. I know of a few companies that even use recyclable plastic to package the toy, with a simple sticker made of recycled paper printed with vegetable inks. Can you get more green than that?

My second link is to the Lazy Environmentalist interviews. These interviews with Ted McGuire and Serah Chae give you tips on new toys and what to look for when buying. You can also check out Treehugger blog for tips on green toys and shopping.

I understand that time is short for everyone these days. Many of my friends and relatives work two jobs to make ends meet. Most of them refuse to purchase anything online and find it easier just to walk into Target or Toys R Us and buy whatever gender-reinforcing toy they run into. Which is why I also provide a list of links to stores that not only sell green toys, but may also generate a list of where you can buy those toys. And yes, you can find green toys in Target and Toys R Us, but it would be preferable if you bought locally. That means seeking out little storefront toy stores in your neighborhood. Maybe there is one next to a little cafe you’ve been dying to try or one across the street from your favorite shoe store.

Where you can buy green toys:

Green Baby: This company has everything for prenatal to postnatal women, babies and kids.
Northwest Nature Shop: Has cool science type toys that any inquisitive person would love. We like them because we like learning, the little girl thinks that everything in nature (except bugs) is just amazing.
Green Toy Co.: Has products listed by age, gender and by activity. The company also sells a nice variety of Fair Trade toys.
KidBean: A Co-op Approved site, sells vegan items for you and baby. They now offer a list of the items they sell that are USA made.
Under the Green Roof: Lots of too-cute-for-words wooden toys. All the animals shapes are adorable and everything is painted using non-toxic paints.
Miyim: Organic, high-end toys and such. I wouldn’t personally buy their items (being broke and all), but I do like to look at the site. They give you a store locator where you can purchase items locally.
Imaginarium: It’s a shame that Toys R Us closed all these stores. It was the only store in the mall that we could all enjoy. You can still by Imaginarium products at Toys R Us, but it’s not the same.
Ten Thousand Villages: A Fair Trade company that sells probably the coolest items ever, and has a section of toys that are just amazing. Everything here looks like artwork and collectibles. Incredible.
Under The Nile: Certified with the National Organic Program Standards and with Demeter, this store sells clothing and toys made with organic cotton.
Kip’s Toyland: I live in Los Angeles and it wouldn’t be fair for me to not mention this family favorite. Set on the north side of historic Farmers Market, the toy store was always a must visit for me and my husband before we had kids. Needless to say, it’s a family favorite.

There are many other stores, especially in the UK and Australia, so take a look around. When you’re out, check to see if there’s a little toy shop tucked away somewhere. Good luck with your shopping and remember to think ‘green’.

Be conscious with your shopping this year..

Tomorrow, Saturday, December 1, The Afghan Women’s Mission is having it’s 3rd Annual Fair Trade and Conscious Gifts Holiday Bazaar. There’s really not much for me to add here, so I’ll just give you the important stuff from the website:

WHEN: Saturday December 1st from 11 am – 3 pm WHERE: Immanuel Presbyterian Church, 3300 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles (Geneva Room)

Browse through a large selection of affordable, sweat-shop free arts and crafts made by artisans internationally and locally, including:

• Embroidered pillow-covers, wallets and purses from Afghanistan

• Locally made jewelry, blankets, scarves

• Hand made tote bags and designer gift bags

• Fair trade coffee & honey

• Conscious books, CDs

• …and much more!

Free entrance and complementary refreshments while you shop.

All proceeds will directly benefit the artists and workers who made the items.

Confirmed vendors include: Afghan Women’s Mission, Ten Thousand Villages, Garment Worker Center, Pacifica Radio Archives, Global Voices for Justice, Cyntex, SmART Blondz, Frank Dorrell, and local artists Azadeh Ghafari, Gypsie Vasquez-Ayala (Arte Quetzal), Janna Marit, and Sonali Kolhatkar.

For more information, visit http://www.afghanwomensmission.org or call 626-676-7884.

Gift Idea: Wine

I’m looking at the calendar realizing that December is peeking it’s party filled head around the corner. I’m know that we’re having 3 “happenings” at our house next month and we’ve been cleaning and prepping for the past two weeks and still have tons to do. As hosts, we receive gallons of wine; we usually won’t have to buy a new bottle until mid-February. We also receive “family gifts” of wine from people. It’s obvious that some people don’t buy with us in mind. They buy because of price. That’s why we receive white wine when we don’t drink white wine. That’s why we receive wine that is little better than vinegar, because no research was done (Oddly enough even some of those bottles survived the move and are languishing in the garage or basement.).

I give wine as gifts and I try to keep track of what my friends drink. I have friends who’ll enjoy a cab, but won’t touch a pinot. We have friends who only drink white wines or worse, roses. I know a few people who only drink merlot, but would probably enjoy a sirah. I have made the incredibly stupid mistake of giving wine to a non-drinker and I still feel a little embarrassed over those times.

But still, when you walk into a store to get a bottle of wine for a party or a gift, it’s a little daunting to see all those choices. You tend to pick a price range and shoot for the low-end. I know, I watch you shop for wine. I know, because I used to do the same thing. That is until I found out about JohnG’s site quaffability. JohnG rates wines under $12 mostly from Trader Joe’s. Granted if you don’t have a TJ near you many of the wines may not be available to you. Other retailers do carry them though, just call around.

JohnG’s reviews are simple and accessible to the layperson. You know how when you get the BevMo circular and you’re looking through the one-line reviews and you see they’re all given 82+ points, but you have no idea what the points mean. And then there’s reviews like in this month’s circular:

A potent brew of dark fruit, molassases, peppery spice and Chilean terrior.

And you’re thinking, “WTF is a ‘Chilean terrior’?” I guess it means something to those 7 people who thought Sideways was a good movie. To me, it’s just gibberish and I get convinced they spelled ‘terrier’ wrong. JohnG dispels with all that nonsense. He says, “This was good with the meal I had.” and gives you accessible and normal fruits to compare it too. Even when he gets all “wine-y”, it’s still pretty fun, like the recent review of a petite sirah:

This wine offers up a shy nose of plums and spice. It’s very pleasant and silky in the mouth, with simple plum and blueberry flavors that lead to a clean though short finish. Really nice texture. This is very drinkable, tasty in fact, and a decent wine for the money, but I can’t help thinking that it’s too thin and gutless for Petite Sirah. A proper petite would bully this one mercilessly and leave it behind quivering in the corner of the playground.

Price: $9.99

Score: 100%

I don’t particularly like sirahs, but from this description, I’m thinking this would be good with a huge steak or flavorful lamb. See how useful it is? He also helpfully includes photos of the bottle and year of vintage, so you can get the right one.

JohnG also gives random reviews of wine from CostCo and BevMo, so you’re practically covered if you live in cool liberal oases. So, if you’re faced with bringing a bottle of wine to a party or want to give wine as a gift, you’ll do well checking out quaffability first before you head out with your Under $15 gift list.

Tired

Man…who knew that actually leaving the house could be so draining…we started out headed toward (evil) Michaels because I needed felt for that stupid Hello Kitty doll. So we did that, then got wrapped up in Christmas stuff. Adrian wants a Christmas tree. I’m against it. He figures because there are kids that Christmas should be forced on them.

I told him that I don’t want any part of it. I tried to ignore it, but he’s got such bad taste that I had to say something. The ornaments he was oohing and aahing over were hideous. Like overweight undereducated platinum blond big hair hideous. You know they were the ornamental equivalent of Christmas sweaters with sequins and rhinestones. There is no way in hell that stuff was coming into my house. Then we saw the white glittery tree with lights attached. It was spinning and hooked up to it was an obnoxious sound system playing obnoxious Christmas songs. I started toward the knitting needles to gouge my eardrums. Adrian said, “Oh man, we need that!” Good Lord almighty! Needless to say, a pointless discussion ensued and I’ll never get those minutes back.

Then we headed to Old Town, which I didn’t want to do but the (evil) Container Store is there and we need, um…containers. Not that I bought any. Every time I walk into that store with the best of plans, but then I walk out indignant at the exorbitant prices. There was a $13 lipstick container. I’m sure if I owned a store, that place would be heaven for me (not counting the hundreds of online stores that sell the same stuff for way cheaper), but I don’t, so it’s not. I don’t know what’s more offensive; that they sell cheap-looking products for high prices or that they act like their offerings are original and tack on higher prices. Then there’s the lines. IKEA has ridiculous lines, but at least they move. At this particular store, if there are 3 people in front of you, guaranteed it’s a 10 minute wait. Today, we stood in line for 13 minutes. To buy mounting tape (incredibly it’s actually cheaper there than everywhere else!).

On top of all of this, the kids were being incredible brats. There were tears and shrieks and the the kids were making noise too. Ugh.

We also ran into S & T. They were eating at the Nepalese restaurant we had considered eating at. That was pretty funny, since we last saw them at Thanksgiving, but hadn’t seen them at all in the past year.

Anyway, at the Container Store, Adrian was convinced that their rail system was overpriced, so we wound up at Home Depot where he was proven right (not really, but for the sake of argument…). That sucked up even more time, but luckily we managed not to spend a dime there (yay!).

So that was a very no good day.