The Toilet Paper Chronicles

Ed. note–This may be TMI, but you either click a link off the page or shut your yap and read. ;P


I’m particular about the paper products that come in contact with my lower person. If I weren’t, then sandpaper or leaves would be fine by me. We go through forests of toilet paper a month in this household. I’m positive there are a team of economists and industrialists observing our buying habits and charting just where would the ideal faboo forest be for our TP usage.

My husband’s a guy. This mean that as long as there’s something on the roll, he’s cool. You’d think after 8 years of marriage it wouldn’t be that hard to buy the correct kind of toilet paper. I mean, if this guy can be particular about the maker of cables for his stereo equipment, why not about the made-in-a-factory-in-who-knows-where products that touch his ass? Or am I asking too much? I’m sure there are women out there who’d sigh, “What are you going to do? Their brains aren’t wired for that.” I’m sorry, but 8 years of Cottonelle with the blue stripe should tip one off. I mean, if I can get yelled at for buying Epson paper after using it for 5+ years before we switched to Canon paper, he shouldn’t get any leeway here. Especially considering that we still by Epson paper in the A3 size. Geez! See, and I’m not even going to mention the barbaric way he hangs the roll, those few times he deigns to actually do so. One sheet leaving motherfucker…

We ran out of toilet paper (for the 2nd time this month!) yesterday. In a frantic pinch, my husband opted for the baby wipes. I don’t know if you’ve ever decided to do that. If you haven’t, I’ve got one word of wisdom: Don’t. For the love of all that is good and spradoingle in this world, don’t ever use baby wipes. Even the non-scented kind. That is, unless you love the warm, burning sensation of your cooter on fire. I speak from experience here. Nothing has ever hurt me that bad in that region and that includes squeezing out my two bigheaded freaks. So, the next option was our cheap-ass napkins.

Around 4pm, my husband decided to go buy toilet paper. Thankfully, he took the kids. They got back around 8pm. 4 hours of not having TP is a big deal. I go probably about 3 – 5 times an hour. Back when I was 16, I resigned myself to living the last half of my life (probably when I turn 42 or so) to wearing adult diapers. I just hope that by the time I need them they’ll have cool designs like my kids’ diapers. No, I don’t want cars or Dora on them, but cute sayings like, “Pull tab to enter” and a leering smiley would be nice. Sexy.

So, they got home and praise be, toilet paper once again adorned that spindle.

Then I used it.

I should have stuck with the cheap ass napkins! What the hell? Oh. He bought Charmin. Bleeech. Not just Charmin, but something that has me utterly intrigued. He bought Charmin Basic.

Savor that for a minute…



That kind of leads one to wonder if there is a Charmin Advance. Or something in between? Is Basic for people just getting the hang of using TP?

By deductive reasoning and a lot of holey toilet paper, I’ve decided “Basic” means, “We at Charmin don’t give a rat’s ass about your ass. You’re lucky we put it on a roll. Wipe up!”

I’m eying those baby wipes now…I’m thinking the burn could put hair on my chest. Or at least clear my sinuses.


6 thoughts on “The Toilet Paper Chronicles

  1. Now now now. Lullibell only uses the really expensive Charmin. I believe it is the ultra and she is as devoted to her charmin as you are to Cottonelle…SHE’S SEVEN and has always been that particular about tp!!!!


  2. I had to laugh at that one. We’re the costco special here…I have 5 butts, make that 4 as my youngest refuses to wipe. Ever. BUT that is another post and I have no idea where to put it.


  3. LOL.

    We’re currently in the middle of a 32-pack of Costco brand TP. It’s absolutely terrible, and seemingly never-ending. We’re still only halfway through the pack; it’s like toilet paper Hannukah at our house!

    My husband made me promise NEVER to buy generic again. He probably wouldn’t leave me if I did, but I’m pretty sure it would cross his mind.

    LoCo Loca


  4. Ah, yes, the moment when I realized I was doomed to divorce the sorry ass excuse of a man (that I did divorce), “well, can’t you use paper?” Yep, NEWSPAPER! Would it have killed him to actually do the GROCERY SHOPPING once in a blue moon? Damn Nigerian Bushman (his family calls him Bush, so I think it’s pretty accurate).

    You know, there are just things that aren’t meant to touch my nether regions, newspaper is just one of those many things. And Greatfully, I buy Charmin OR Cottonelle. But my store doesn’t stock either in any real meaningful way as there is usually only one when I shop. So, either will do…afterall neither is newspaper!!


  5. Costco paper…ah, I remember back in 1987 we bought one and I think it finally ran out in 1995. My mother used to buy Scott tissue in bulk. Not the Scott’s you see in the store, but the kind they have in public restrooms. Eek!


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